A Blog about love

I would honestly say that I have never been in love, and of course when I talk of love I'm not talking about the love I have for my family and friends, but of gut wrenching, can't bear to be without another person love.

I would like to say that's because I've continuously put myself out there only to be knocked back, but when I look back on it now I do believe it's because I never bothered to look or think that I was worthy of it.  I always used to think of myself as the friend and never the boyfriend. I was the friend others took out to make themselves look attractive. Surround yourself by twos and you'll look like a ten for example. That was me. I always looked on as my friends pulled, but I never went home with anyone.

My friends would probably tell you that I am one of the most sociable people around, but I simply don’t see that about myself. I’m not saying that I haven’t started to overcome this, and I am becoming more confident, but as a child/teen/adult I was always overweight and because of this I was bullied at school, which knocked my confidence right down, making me feel that I wasn’t good enough for anyone and that no-one would think that I was good enough for them.

The spirit of my blog is to help me move on professionally and personally and it’s always good to look back on where you have been in order to see where you are going and feel able to make better choices in life. So in order to try to find someone, I signed up to a couple of dating sites and me and my friends are planning single nights out where we are going out with the intention of meeting people. Guess now I just need to work on my conversational skills. 

Do I have as much chance of getting that job as you do?

Do I have as much chance of getting that job as you do? The answer my friends/blog readers is quite simply no. I haven’t been looking for my dream as long as you potentially have. I am a firm believer that its not what you know but who you know. I understand that this isn't the case in all circumstances, but we all know that most of the time this statement rings true. One of my friends Harri was spotted singing at a party and has followed that up to get different jobs in tv etc in order to gain the experience she needs to do what she wants to do after her degree is finished. While I'm not expecting anybody to just hand me my dream I would like my own chance encounter like she had. 

The answer! Quite simply it's networking! I need to put out there what I am capable of and I have to believe that sooner or later people will take notice and I will get to where I want to be. I know it will take time but I am willing to put in that time for the right thing. While that may not be right for everyone, I'm sure it will be right for me, and as long as I have the support of my family and friends that is all that truly matters to me 

You're the only one standing in your way

I want to blame my life on other people and the situation I've been placed in, but as I get older and I don’t progress as I hoped, the only person I really have to blame for not being where I want to be is me. I can't keep making the same old tired excuses about why my life isn't heading in the direction that I hoped it would be by now.

I'm still in the same job that frustrates me because I haven't bothered to look for another one, and if I have looked, I've made excuses as to why I haven’t wanted a job or that I'll apply for it later when in all honestly I probably won't. I'll just sit here and watch another episode of something on tv and then another. By the time I've procrastinated and not done what I should have done the job is gone and another opportunity has passed me by. I'm the king of the excuse and always have reasons for why I can do it later. No more I say! It's time to get myself sorted and actually start doing something with my life instead of simply going through the motions and getting frustrated when nothing  changes for me when actually I’ve done nothing to make those changes happens. The people that are actually being active and following their dreams are probably a lot further ahead than me so now is the time to catch up.

The day i got to go to the Avengers Premiere: A Review

If you read my things I enjoy blog you will know that I went to see the Avengers but actually never gave you a halfway decent story to tell you what happened.  I won the chance to go see the Avengers through an in-house competition at work, which was best training buddy in the area for the quarter. This gave me the chance to walk down the red carpet and see the Avengers before anyone else (talking to one of the film buyers for our company the premiere was the 4th time he had actually watched it). 

To do a decent review of this movie I feel like I should try to critique it in some way, no matter how small or insignificant that critique is, but I may struggle as from start to finish it was one of the best films that has come out this year, and one of the best films that has been adapted from a comic book that I had ever seen. The movie was action packed from start to finish so there was no chance to get bored through the movie as there was always something going on that would grab my attention. I also liked the way that the film wasn't just focused on one main character as they each had their own movie, apart from the Hulk, even though you should count Edward Norton’s Hulk as part of the Avengers franchise. I enjoyed the way the characters connected with each other and bounced off each other to create some great on-screen chemistry between them without trying to pull focus from each other. I never felt as if one of them was trying to steal the show which can often happen when you get a lot of big actors in one film.  I ended up watching the film three times in the cinema, and I laughed in all the same places and jumped in all the same places. I would love to tell you at what point in the film I jumped, because there was only one point, and if you've seen it you can probably guess, and if you haven't seen it, seriously... why not? I don't think you even need to be that into comic books to enjoy the films. This will probably upset my uncle (comic book writer) Dan Abnett, but I've never read any of the Avengers comics, and I only know the backgrounds from the individual films in the series that proceeded this film. I wish I had, though, because then I could maybe comment on how the film keeps to the comics. I can't wait till the second film comes out... and Iron Man 3. 

Things I enjoy

So today I was advised by my aunt who is helping me out with the blog to write about something I like/love. Now I don't know why but I am honestly finding this difficult.  
Make me talk about something that I dislike or I can have a mini rant about to you and I can quite honestly bend your ear for what will feel like hours and believe me I have done it but when it comes down to actually talking about stuff I like to do I sometimes tend to clam up. So let me try and I will promise to try and not make it boring and just rattle off a list of hints and make it sound too much like a cv and I'm applying for a job. 

So what do I enjoy. I enjoy the cinema and I enjoy watching films. I do not enjoy my job at the cinema at all if I'm honest but this is not what this section is about but working at the cinema does have its advantages in the fact I do get to see all the films I want for free. Like on Wednesday I saw rock of ages with a couple of friends and it was a good film and I think the soundtrack is amazing but I think it relied thouroughly too much on the fact it had a lot of great songs in there and the storyline felt tenuous at best and could have used more development. I also had the opportunity to go and see the European premiere of the avengers due to an in house competition at work and it was one of the best things I have ever done trough the company. Basically an all expenses paid trip, a walk down the red carpet, a premiere and drinks before and after. It has since become one of my favourite films as the experience was amazing.

I also like the theatre. When I talk about theatre I am mainly talking about musicals. I don't get a chance to see very many because theatre tickets are expensive and I honestly wish that the theatre was more accessible to all because I would definitely rather see a play/musical over a film. The most recent one I've seen was footloose in Plymouth theatre royal and I'm going to see grease in July, wicked in August and lion king in September. Now I've never seen any of these on stage as yet but my iPod is full of the songs from them.

Which leads me onto another thing that I love is music. I think music is brilliant. It's totally accessible to all and I think there is a song out there that anyone can relate to and it's great that music can be used to tell a story and express almost any feeling. There's nothing like having a good song that totally expresse your mood and can often send a chill down your spine when you hear it and more often then not I pick songs on my iPod by what mood I'm in. I am definitely making my next download the rock of ages movie soundtrack. 

I also enjoy reading as its another outlet I feel is accessible to everyone and there is a genre out there for everyone to enjoy and too all the writers put there I don't think I could do it, I in no way think of this blog as proper writing, but you are all very talented for what you do and I'm glad that you do it. 

So in the end it does turn out that I am able to spend just as much time writing about what I like just as much as what I don't and if nothing else for me that's progress. 

My fear of rejection and of not fitting in

After a drive with my friend today, I ended up pondering a couple of ideas about fitting in, and probably one of the things I am absolutely 100% terrified of, possibly above everything, is the fear of being rejected.

Im lying to you, but that's ok, because your probably lying to me, and it's not that I don't want to get to know you, it's that I'm scared of what will happen when I do.

Me and my friend were talking about the idea that we spend our whole lives fitting in and doing what is expected of us rather then what we wanted to do and what would truly make us happy. I honestly think that I have spent over half my life doing what people expected of me. I studied and stayed quiet at school because thats what I perceived my peers expected of me. I studied and passed my GSCES and A levels because I thought that's what society expected of me, and I feel like I was forced in that direction by a sense of social discourse, but I never put my heart and soul into it. That’s probably the reason why I got a 2:2 at university, because I took a course that  never really appealed, If I'm being 100% honest with everyone including myself. I even applied for a masters and started volunteering in something I didn't want to do, because again I felt like I should rather than that I really wanted to.

Also, my crippling fear of rejection stops me from trying things that I should be doing because my mindset is always that there is possibly someone better suited to it than me, never considering what I might be the better person they are looking for if only I just applied myself. This also refers to my private life. I’m scared of meeting new people, because as soon as I open my mouth I'm afraid they won't like me and are instantly going to reject me. I've even dated people and split up with them because I've always had that fear in my mind that they are going to dump me first so I may as well end it before I get too invested and it hurts worse. So I am trying to change my mindset and focus on myself. It’s going to be really hard as it almost goes against every instinct I've come to know as natural, but while I'm still young it's time for me to start following my dream (when I find it) and making a better life for myself while there is still time.

At 24 am I a career has been?

At 24, am I a career has been? Do you have to know what you want to do from birth? Look at some of the greats; they all tell us that they've known what they wanted to do from such a young age that doing anything else would seem absurd to them. Many of the great musicians have footage of themselves learning musical instruments from a young age and all of the gymnasts you see in the Olympics have been practicing since the age of four. So what happens to the rest of us? The ones who meander through life not really knowing what we want to do, unable to develop a passion for something before we are old enough to walk and talk. Indeed, at 24 I still work for a well-known cinema chain, unsure of the path my life is taking, and I know many of you out there are probably feeling the same way.

I went to university, I have a degree and I'm an educated person with the ability to hold a decent conversation, so why do I feel like all options have expired for me. At 24 I should be at my peak and getting out there, so why aren't I? And why do I feel that because I haven't made it yet doesn't mean that I won't? I'm forever searching for my dream, and I feel everyone else should be, and not trying to fit into a social convention of what people think they should be and how the should act. If you knew me you would realise that this is exactly what I have been doing my whole life. I have been going through the motions without really putting my heart and soul into what I've been doing. So it's time I stopped. With the help of my aunt, I'm going to start a blog. I'm going to put what I feel in without becoming to much like perez Hilton and basically gossiping. Hopefully people will follow me and through this I’ll build up contacts. Also all of this I wrote on my iPhone on the way to the gym, but you have to take inspiration when it hits I guess.