Family

I haven't yet written a blog about my family. I don't know why, the subject matter was just never at the forefront of my mind while I was pondering what to write about on the particular days wen I managed to update my blog, but for whatever reason, today my family is at the forefront of my mind, and I'm thinking about them a lot. 

I guess I have a couple of varying definitions of family that I work with, and these definitions are very personal to me, as I am sure your definition of family is personal to you. I have my direct family, which consists of my mum, my sister and my brother, and my two nieces who are all very dear to me. We all get on very well and we know that each of us is there for the other, even if we don't talk every day. It has even got to the point when my mum has textedme to check that I'm still alive as it has been a while since I have spoken to her, but I know that this doesn't mean we love each other any less, it just means we haven't spoken for a while, that's all.

I then have my extended family, all of whom are equally dear to me, and, again, I knowthey would be there for me whenever I needed them. These consist of my nan, granddad, aunties, uncles and cousins. As before, I don't see them all the time, but I always make the effort to see them when the family is having a big occasion or if someone is in need of support at an event. Most recently this was at my cousin Lily's street dance competition. 

I guess that my family are at the forefront of my mind today, because I was offered a job at the Bristol hippodrome. My mum was the first person I called about it, and probably the first person I would think to call for all my major life events.

My Emotional State

I've been trying to write a blog on emotion, but I feel like I've failed. I never usually start a blog with a title. The title usually comes as I'm writing and has something to do with what the blog is about, but this time, I tried starting with the title 'Emotion'. I wrote a couple of lines, but it started to sound too much like an essay rather then a blog post. After all that is what a blog is isn't it, my emotions pretty much laid bare for anyone who clicks onto my blog to read?

I mentioned in my Missing In Action blog that I was feeling on a bit of a downward spiral at the moment, and that the total feeling of a loss of control over my life scared me. I was encouraged to write about it, which is why I set out a title much to my failing, but there was another reason that I couldn't/didn't write about my emotions. How am I meant to convey any emotion in words to somebody else when I have absolutely no idea why I felt that way, and I pretty much still don't?There was no reason for me to feel sad or for me to lose control as much as I did over my own life, and yet I did, and in some ways still I am still sad, and I am still out of control. I'm not going to make excuses for it as what I'm feeling is for me to feel, just as your feelings are yours to deal with, and yes it did make me feel a little better to try to explain things to you, even if I mostly I didn't really have an explanation at all. We all feel our emotions in our own personal ways, and I won't judge you for yours if you won't judge me for mine. 

I guess what's left to do now is to resolve them, to gain control over my life, and take charge so that I don't let that control slip away again. After all, it's all too easily done.

When technology fails

I had to go without an iPhone for most of today. 

For any of you that have never lived through this terror, it's honestly very annoying. 

I was talking to the guy at the apple desk about how much we forget how often we use our phones everyday. I'm writing this with the assumption that the majority of you will own, if not an iPhone, you will at least be in the possession of a smartphone of one make or another. Anyway, without my phone I was completely lost. The simple task of being able to check the time had suddenly become difficult. I used my phone for this. Due to my iPhone dying, I had to go out and buy an alarm clock. I used to own an alarm clock as a kid, I'm sure,like most of you probably did, but I sure don't own one anymore. Why? What's the point? I have a clock on my phone and I constantly have my phone on me, so what need do I have of another device to do something that my phone was quite happy to do for me, among a million other things that I could just not get by without. 

Another simple task was the joy of listening to music. Again, as my iPod broke last month, all my music was on my phone. I didn't need to spend money on another device when again my phone was so readily available to be able to do it for me. 

Just two examples of how I, and I believe as a general population we are very reliant on technology, and without it I feel like I live in the dark ages.

Technology

Sometimes I feel lost without my phone, the internet... hell even technology in general, but there are times when I can't be bothered with any of it. If I have my phone on me at work I usually end up running down the battery playing around on Facebook, twitter or any of the many apps I have happened to download. The main culprit is usually googling whatever topic is being discussed at the time, but sometimes I just want to throw it all away and not bother with any of it. This isn't all the time obviously as without Facebook or twitter how would I know what was going on in the world or in many cases on Facebook get invited to nights out. We all know there are many other ways I could get invited to an event, but Facebook seems to be what my friends use to invite me so if I didn't have it I do feel that I would miss out. 

But I'm honestly ok If I'm not constantly attached to my phone. Sometimess I like some time off. I have a different iPod so I do not have to see all my Facebook notifications etc when I’m in the gym, so I can just clear my mind and concentrate on my workout, and nine times out of ten its not as if anyone has contacted me the whole time I have been in the gym so I honestly don’t need my phone anyway. Sometimes I do enjoy the fact that no-one has bothered to contact me all day, and I can just have my own space, be alone with my thoughts, and have time in my own company where I can just let me be me. Then again, after a day or so of that I just want to be around other people again. I’m happy to be alone at times, but other times, put a glass of wine in my hand and put me in some decent company and I’m even better.  

Missing in Action

Some of you may have noticed that my blog has kinda been MIA recently, and I'm really sorry about that. I'm not sure exactly why I have been MIA, but currently I have been on a downward spiral and have lost the motivation for almost everything in my life. This has led not only to me not updating my blog, but also to me leaving the virtual world with all my errant thoughts and feelings.

This downward spiral has not only led to me neglecting my blog but in no uncertain terms has led to me neglecting myself in terms of my diet. I've completely forgotten about it. I've eaten what I've liked and have even narked off the occasional gym session, complaining of lethargy and a general lack of motivation to go. In the last few months, this has led to me putting on a stone of the five stone I had managed to lose. This means that my gut hangs out far more then it did before, and the nice clothes I bought are a bit tighter then they once were.

I did, however receive one bit of good news yesterday. I go an interview for a job at my local theatre, the Bristol hippodrome, so things are looking up, and I resolve to do better.