Family

I haven't yet written a blog about my family. I don't know why, the subject matter was just never at the forefront of my mind while I was pondering what to write about on the particular days wen I managed to update my blog, but for whatever reason, today my family is at the forefront of my mind, and I'm thinking about them a lot. 

I guess I have a couple of varying definitions of family that I work with, and these definitions are very personal to me, as I am sure your definition of family is personal to you. I have my direct family, which consists of my mum, my sister and my brother, and my two nieces who are all very dear to me. We all get on very well and we know that each of us is there for the other, even if we don't talk every day. It has even got to the point when my mum has textedme to check that I'm still alive as it has been a while since I have spoken to her, but I know that this doesn't mean we love each other any less, it just means we haven't spoken for a while, that's all.

I then have my extended family, all of whom are equally dear to me, and, again, I knowthey would be there for me whenever I needed them. These consist of my nan, granddad, aunties, uncles and cousins. As before, I don't see them all the time, but I always make the effort to see them when the family is having a big occasion or if someone is in need of support at an event. Most recently this was at my cousin Lily's street dance competition. 

I guess that my family are at the forefront of my mind today, because I was offered a job at the Bristol hippodrome. My mum was the first person I called about it, and probably the first person I would think to call for all my major life events.

My Emotional State

I've been trying to write a blog on emotion, but I feel like I've failed. I never usually start a blog with a title. The title usually comes as I'm writing and has something to do with what the blog is about, but this time, I tried starting with the title 'Emotion'. I wrote a couple of lines, but it started to sound too much like an essay rather then a blog post. After all that is what a blog is isn't it, my emotions pretty much laid bare for anyone who clicks onto my blog to read?

I mentioned in my Missing In Action blog that I was feeling on a bit of a downward spiral at the moment, and that the total feeling of a loss of control over my life scared me. I was encouraged to write about it, which is why I set out a title much to my failing, but there was another reason that I couldn't/didn't write about my emotions. How am I meant to convey any emotion in words to somebody else when I have absolutely no idea why I felt that way, and I pretty much still don't?There was no reason for me to feel sad or for me to lose control as much as I did over my own life, and yet I did, and in some ways still I am still sad, and I am still out of control. I'm not going to make excuses for it as what I'm feeling is for me to feel, just as your feelings are yours to deal with, and yes it did make me feel a little better to try to explain things to you, even if I mostly I didn't really have an explanation at all. We all feel our emotions in our own personal ways, and I won't judge you for yours if you won't judge me for mine. 

I guess what's left to do now is to resolve them, to gain control over my life, and take charge so that I don't let that control slip away again. After all, it's all too easily done.

When technology fails

I had to go without an iPhone for most of today. 

For any of you that have never lived through this terror, it's honestly very annoying. 

I was talking to the guy at the apple desk about how much we forget how often we use our phones everyday. I'm writing this with the assumption that the majority of you will own, if not an iPhone, you will at least be in the possession of a smartphone of one make or another. Anyway, without my phone I was completely lost. The simple task of being able to check the time had suddenly become difficult. I used my phone for this. Due to my iPhone dying, I had to go out and buy an alarm clock. I used to own an alarm clock as a kid, I'm sure,like most of you probably did, but I sure don't own one anymore. Why? What's the point? I have a clock on my phone and I constantly have my phone on me, so what need do I have of another device to do something that my phone was quite happy to do for me, among a million other things that I could just not get by without. 

Another simple task was the joy of listening to music. Again, as my iPod broke last month, all my music was on my phone. I didn't need to spend money on another device when again my phone was so readily available to be able to do it for me. 

Just two examples of how I, and I believe as a general population we are very reliant on technology, and without it I feel like I live in the dark ages.

Technology

Sometimes I feel lost without my phone, the internet... hell even technology in general, but there are times when I can't be bothered with any of it. If I have my phone on me at work I usually end up running down the battery playing around on Facebook, twitter or any of the many apps I have happened to download. The main culprit is usually googling whatever topic is being discussed at the time, but sometimes I just want to throw it all away and not bother with any of it. This isn't all the time obviously as without Facebook or twitter how would I know what was going on in the world or in many cases on Facebook get invited to nights out. We all know there are many other ways I could get invited to an event, but Facebook seems to be what my friends use to invite me so if I didn't have it I do feel that I would miss out. 

But I'm honestly ok If I'm not constantly attached to my phone. Sometimess I like some time off. I have a different iPod so I do not have to see all my Facebook notifications etc when I’m in the gym, so I can just clear my mind and concentrate on my workout, and nine times out of ten its not as if anyone has contacted me the whole time I have been in the gym so I honestly don’t need my phone anyway. Sometimes I do enjoy the fact that no-one has bothered to contact me all day, and I can just have my own space, be alone with my thoughts, and have time in my own company where I can just let me be me. Then again, after a day or so of that I just want to be around other people again. I’m happy to be alone at times, but other times, put a glass of wine in my hand and put me in some decent company and I’m even better.  

Missing in Action

Some of you may have noticed that my blog has kinda been MIA recently, and I'm really sorry about that. I'm not sure exactly why I have been MIA, but currently I have been on a downward spiral and have lost the motivation for almost everything in my life. This has led not only to me not updating my blog, but also to me leaving the virtual world with all my errant thoughts and feelings.

This downward spiral has not only led to me neglecting my blog but in no uncertain terms has led to me neglecting myself in terms of my diet. I've completely forgotten about it. I've eaten what I've liked and have even narked off the occasional gym session, complaining of lethargy and a general lack of motivation to go. In the last few months, this has led to me putting on a stone of the five stone I had managed to lose. This means that my gut hangs out far more then it did before, and the nice clothes I bought are a bit tighter then they once were.

I did, however receive one bit of good news yesterday. I go an interview for a job at my local theatre, the Bristol hippodrome, so things are looking up, and I resolve to do better.

Defining Love and Family

I feel compelled to write a blog about this. I had my friends round my house for a couple of drinks, when I say a couple by this point I had almost polished off two bottles of wine, and we started on a discussion about love and family! Different dictionary definitions and our own personal definitions on the ideas of love and family! We seem to disagree on what family and love means. Everyone has different definitions and this is what we use to define ourselves and our belief systems. I may be drunk, but I do have to write this down before I forget about this and it is completely erased from my memory.

I would consider family to be my mum, sister, brother, my nieces and my mum’s side of the family as they are the only people who I get to speak to on a regular basis. I haven't considered my father as family in over five years since we stopped talking. I wouldn't consider my father and his side of the family as family, because I don’t know them a well as my mum’s family, but others would as they talk to their fathers, and their fathers still play vital roles in their lives. We were also pondering the idea of being in love, but also when you consider your other-half’s family as family yourself. My friend Chris would have considered himself as part of his girlfriend’s family before he even decided to get engaged to her. My other friend Rachael, who hasn't been with her boyfriend Mark for as long would not consider his family as her family  until she got married to him, because without that bit of paper there is nothing tying her to his  family in any permanent/tangible way.

The same goes for love. I'm not in love with my friends, but sometimes I do feel that the word love is used so easily. I love my family, but that is a totally different kind of love from the love I have for my friends, and it would be a different kind of love again from when I fall ‘in love’. I would not use the words ‘in love’ until I actually have the feelings that I'm in love with someone, but I would say that I love my friends but I'm not ‘in love’ with my friends, and who would know that ‘in’ word would change the definition of the word love so certainly and so completely. The way we use words is as important as one insignificant word can change the meaning of our sentence so completely. 

A blog about Confidence

I was reading my Auntie Nicola’s blog the other day, where she was talking about corsets and how good it made her feel to wear one, and how people wouldn't like it if she posted a picture of herself in a corset, because some may see that as degrading. I say hey fair play to her for actually posting the picture of herself on her blog for all to see, for me that is true confidence. To put yourself out there on the Internet for others to judge you without truly caring what people actually think of you, I honestly think is brilliant.

I guess the equivalent for me would be to post a picture of myself in my boxers, but I can promise you this simply wouldn’t happen. I do hope that maybe one day I would feel comfortable to do this, not so that other people could look at it and think I was hot, although I’m not saying that wouldn’t be nice, but just to say I’ve had the confidence to do it and hell yeah I look good.

Now I have probably already explored my wavering confidence levels in this blog, but I always believed it was because I was fat that my confidence was low. Now I have started to believe I was fat because, quite simply, I wanted to be fat. I could have put the fork down at any time, I could have eaten better and done things like eaten an apple instead of a bag of chocolates. The same is true of how I lost weight. I lost over four stone because I wanted to. I did it on my own terms, and I did it for myself and not for someone else. If you are doing it for someone else the likelihood is that you will fail because you have no drive to do it for yourself, and without the drive what is the point? You have to commit yourself to a complete lifestyle change and not just a crash diet or something similar, as the moment you come off that diet and start eating the same way you did before the crash diet the likelihood is you will put on all the weight you have worked so hard to lose,  and all the effort you put in would just be wasted.

Don't call me normal.

If there is a word that annoys me more than any other word it has to be the word ‘normal’. Nothing is normal these days and nor should any of us strive to be described of as normal. Describe me as normal and I would consider it an insult. Normality is such an irrelevant term these days as everyone is different; everyone has their own likes and dislikes, sets of beliefs etc. What is normal for me may not necessarily be normal for you, and that's ok because I'm me and you're you so of course we are going to be different.

It's this struggle to be normal and anything viewed as not normal makes us angry and I believe this is where most bigotry and hatred springs from. We are scared of what is different, but the differences between us are surely what make living so brilliant! It is our unwillingness to accept what is different that makes many of us clash and from which hatred breeds. If we were all just willing to accept each others’ differences and even try to understand them would the world not be a more peaceful place? The differences between belief systems are what has sparked many civil and World wars, and on a personal level,what got me bullied at school was being different. I was in no sense of the word a ‘boy’. I didn’t do sport, I wasn’t that macho and most of my friends were girls instead of boys. I also think it was the unwillingness to accept my own difference that made others not accept the differences they so obviously saw in me, which led other kids to bully me. If I had the strength to accept the differences about myself and was a lot more proud of who I was at the time the bullies would have had nothing to use against me to hurt me and would have moved onto someone else.

I don't want to be friends with me. Yes I'd be an amazing friend to myself and we'd have loads in common but I would never challenge myself or be open to other opinions or have my opinions challenged by others. I need difference to survive, to grow and to create. 

Frustration

I have mentioned before that I am frustrated with my job as a minimum wage employee of a cinema chain, but after letting that frustration get the better of me yesterday, I ended up having a massive rant to one of the team leaders that was on shift with me. She simply told me that my frustration at the job was actually a good thing and instead of using that frustration to just simply be angry at things I can't change I should be using that frustration as the driving force to make my life better and to put things into motion for me to make my life go in the direction I want it to. She reminded me that while there are worse jobs that I could be doing there are also a lot better jobs out there where I would be appreciated and where I would be happy.

True, I have no idea what this is at the moment, but I am starting to think that there are people in worse positions then I am. There are people with truly no direction in life or who are quite simply unemployed and desperate for work. I should be glad that I have a job that if in no other way is a tether to the entertainment industry, an industry I am desperate to crack. As to what I want to go into within the entertainment industry I don’t know as yet, but I do think that it’s definitely an industry I want to get into. I have no desire to be on stage or indeed in front of a camera as firstly I may suffer a little stage fright and I honestly do not know how people ever watch themselves on screen without constantly cringing. You always look different on camera. I honestly think the camera is a harsh mistress who picks on and shines a light on any flaw you have, but I guess this is also why make-up artists and similar are such an important part of movie sets, so they can cover up all your blemishes and flaws to make artists positively sparkle in front of a camera, but this is still not for me. I think I would be happy behind the scenes in some sort of production/assistant capacity. I enjoy organisation and honestly think that when I see it on television programmes where they have an assistant who tells people where they have to be and when etc that I could definitely start there.  

Being a little bit selfish

I was watching the film ”The Devil Wears Prada” with my housemate over a couple bottles of wine, and there is this point in the film that really resonated with me. Anne Hathaway chose to go to Paris over the other assistant, played by Emily Blunt, who was meant to go.  It made me wonder if I would take an opportunity over a friend/colleague who was expecting to be chosen for it, and the only answer I could come up with at the time was yes, yes I would. I would be very sorry for my friend who didn't get the opportunity, and who would probably resent me for it for years to come, but if it gave me a chance to fulfil my dream and  to move forward in what I wanted to do why wouldn't I take the opportunity? I’d hope that my friend would forgive me in time, that they would understand that it's what I needed to do to further my career, and if they didn’t I guess I would have to ask whether we were ever really friends at all. I know that this make me sound a little bit mean, but I am in that place at the moment where any opportunity I may be invited to join, I'm pretty much going to take it no matter who I am likely to step on in the process, because it's time to start thinking about what I want to do in my life before my time has well and truly passed me by and I am truly stuck in a rut. I know it’s a rut of my own making, but maybe it’s time that I did think about me and what I want for a change, and to do that don’t I just need to be that little bit selfish and take that opportunity away from you? 

What makes you stand out from a crowd?

Me and a friend were talking about this at another friend's house party when we were discussing applying for jobs and trying to get opportunities. People employ you for who you are just as much as they employ you for your educational background and your skill set. Your personality plays a huge part in why you get the job. So what is it that quintessentially makes you you? What sells you to other people? What is the unique selling point that is going to make you stand out in an interview against the hundred other people that they may have interviewed that day?

So, I pondered for a while, what makes me me and there were so many things that make up who I am as there is with everyone else, but I am unsure as to which of these would make me stand out to a potential employer, and make them want to employ me above anyone else. I guess this is going to take some more pondering, but I am willing to figure this out and use it to drive my career forward.

The importance of friends

 I forget how important friends can be. I ended up going out with a friend, who I used to work with, who now lives in London. Forgetting she works for a production company, I never even considered using her as a point of contact to get some experience in an industry I really would like to get into. So we got round to catching up the other night at the Apple Cider Boat in Bristol, and eventually got round to discussing her job. She is what is known as a runner, so basically she gets tea and coffee etc for people, but according to her that is how everyone starts and at least it would be a start. Anyway, she said that I should send her my cv and she would then send it on to other people in her company, and try to get me some work experience, which would be awesome as her company works on the likes of TOWIE and The Apprentice. It's a foot in the door, so to speak, and a start for me, which is what I have been striving for. It's not much, but it is a start, so I'm happy. 

How do you meet people?

 How do you meet new people when your social circle is so close-knit that you don't really know how to meet people. I would say that I'm a pretty social person or at least would like to think that I am, and would like to think that I have the ability to make friends and meet new people pretty easily, but the only new people I am ever really introduced to is when new people start at work. 

So, my social circle pretty much consists of people that I meet at work. I work with these people and I go out with people from work, and if I do anything outside of work it's with people from work, which can sometimes make it feel hard to meet new people who aren't from work and can make it pretty scary to even consider leaving your job,because of concerns that your social circle is going to crumble if you don't see the same people everyday. It's nice to like the people that you work with, and honestly they are a great group of people to work with and hang out with. If they weren't I wouldn't hang out with them half as much as I do, because I just wouldn't bother with people I didn't like unless I absolutely had to or it was for work reasons, because then I am able to muster up a professional courtesy towards people. So, it feels really hard to meet new people and make contacts in life, but how do I changethis? I should take the opportunity to get new hobbies, go to things I'm invited to even if I'm the only on invited, and make an effort to speak to people. I guess you never know who you are going to meet if only you are willing to take the chance.

Red Lights: A Review

Without turning my blog into a film critique blog, as there are many out there who do it a lot better then me, and are probably more qualified to do it than I am, I do enjoy updating you about films I have watched and films I would recommend to you. I have a problem at the cinema that I can make any film sound shit. Honestly, I have a habit of making any film sound like something I don't want to watch, but I'm much better at expressing my thoughts on those films when I have time to write about them.

So, 'Red Lights' for anyone who doesn't know, is basically about two doctoral students trying to disprove the existence of paranormal events. They refer to themselves as professional sceptics in the film. 


Now this film has some brilliant players in the form of Robert de Niro, Sigourney Weaver and one of my favourite actors Cillian Murphy. They all give excellent performances, which makes for a really interesting film. 


In my opinion, Cillian Murphy gave one of the best performances in the film, but I don't feel that I could give a description of why without giving away the plot.
Some people came away from this film saying it was crap, and I can sort of see why, but for me it was really interesting and visually was actually quite stunning. Some of the effects used in it, although nothing that has been seen before, were well done and well executed and really added to the film. The storyline was also quite cleve and made me want to see it again because I left feeling a little bit confused about what was actually going on and feeling that if I went to see it again I might pick up on plot points that I missed on the first watch.

Rock of Ages: Review

Rock of ages is about a small town girl who moves to Hollywood in order to pursue her dreams as a singer and the trials and tribulations she encounters on the way to fulfilling her dream.


I have been to see rock of ages twice at the cinema now and am planning on going to see it a third time for a few simple reasons. I am a massive fan of musicals and even more so when they have been adapted into a film version. I like to see actors who don't sing as their profession sing, and I like being surprised when they actually have decent voices, even though you think it would be funnier if they were shit. Ultimately, I am also a massive fan of cheese! This film was massively cheesy from start to finish with a few genuinely cringeworthy moments between some of the stellar cast members, paticuarly Russell Brand and Alec Baldwin. This movie also has a brilliant soundtrack that I have downloaded and listened to over and over again. It's brilliant because all the songs are upbeat, and the ballads are proper power ballads. For the last few days I have been posting them as my choices for anyone who follows me on this is my jam! The only thing that lets this film down slightly is the fact that it doesn't really feel like the storyline keeps up with the fast pace of the songs, and the producers have kind of forgotten about the storyline as they have a brilliant soundtrack, which I feel could have taken the film from good to amazing. I would still recommend for anyone to watch it though. 


Also after first watching the film I downloaded the soundtrack plus the Original Cast Recording of the soundtrack and had them both on repeat for countless days after my first viewing of the film as the songs are just that good. I have included links to the soundtrack for anyone who does feel like listening to the songs.

A Blog about music

I was planning on expanding my things I enjoy blog in order to give you and maybe myself a better insight into what I am into and what I can possibly make into a career. So the second thing I love is music. Music is really great because it is something that is really universal and everyone can find a type of music that they enjoy. I do believe that it isn’t often that you would come upon someone that would be like ‘nah music just isn’t my thing’.

Music is so important as it is multi-functional. Let’s face it, all films would be stuck without a soundtrack to rely on as the music that is used in a film is often just as important as the script; it sets out the scene that is coming up or can be used to create feelings ranging from fear to love.

I certainly listen to different types of music depending on the activity I am doing or the mood I’m in.  For example if I’m in the gym, particularly when I am running, I will listen to songs that have quite a fast pace to them and will keep me going throughout the run or when I was being bullied in school I would listen to Christina Aguilera’s ‘beautiful’ at least once or twice a day because it made me feel happier about myself, and music definitely has the power to do that.

Music can also be used to tell a story. This is why another thing I love is musicals. A whole story that is set to music and the countless exploration of the characters through the musical genre just makes me happy. If I could get around to seeing more of them I  would.

For some of my almost daily music choices you can follow me on thisismyjam.com

A Blog about love

I would honestly say that I have never been in love, and of course when I talk of love I'm not talking about the love I have for my family and friends, but of gut wrenching, can't bear to be without another person love.

I would like to say that's because I've continuously put myself out there only to be knocked back, but when I look back on it now I do believe it's because I never bothered to look or think that I was worthy of it.  I always used to think of myself as the friend and never the boyfriend. I was the friend others took out to make themselves look attractive. Surround yourself by twos and you'll look like a ten for example. That was me. I always looked on as my friends pulled, but I never went home with anyone.

My friends would probably tell you that I am one of the most sociable people around, but I simply don’t see that about myself. I’m not saying that I haven’t started to overcome this, and I am becoming more confident, but as a child/teen/adult I was always overweight and because of this I was bullied at school, which knocked my confidence right down, making me feel that I wasn’t good enough for anyone and that no-one would think that I was good enough for them.

The spirit of my blog is to help me move on professionally and personally and it’s always good to look back on where you have been in order to see where you are going and feel able to make better choices in life. So in order to try to find someone, I signed up to a couple of dating sites and me and my friends are planning single nights out where we are going out with the intention of meeting people. Guess now I just need to work on my conversational skills. 

Do I have as much chance of getting that job as you do?

Do I have as much chance of getting that job as you do? The answer my friends/blog readers is quite simply no. I haven’t been looking for my dream as long as you potentially have. I am a firm believer that its not what you know but who you know. I understand that this isn't the case in all circumstances, but we all know that most of the time this statement rings true. One of my friends Harri was spotted singing at a party and has followed that up to get different jobs in tv etc in order to gain the experience she needs to do what she wants to do after her degree is finished. While I'm not expecting anybody to just hand me my dream I would like my own chance encounter like she had. 

The answer! Quite simply it's networking! I need to put out there what I am capable of and I have to believe that sooner or later people will take notice and I will get to where I want to be. I know it will take time but I am willing to put in that time for the right thing. While that may not be right for everyone, I'm sure it will be right for me, and as long as I have the support of my family and friends that is all that truly matters to me 

You're the only one standing in your way

I want to blame my life on other people and the situation I've been placed in, but as I get older and I don’t progress as I hoped, the only person I really have to blame for not being where I want to be is me. I can't keep making the same old tired excuses about why my life isn't heading in the direction that I hoped it would be by now.

I'm still in the same job that frustrates me because I haven't bothered to look for another one, and if I have looked, I've made excuses as to why I haven’t wanted a job or that I'll apply for it later when in all honestly I probably won't. I'll just sit here and watch another episode of something on tv and then another. By the time I've procrastinated and not done what I should have done the job is gone and another opportunity has passed me by. I'm the king of the excuse and always have reasons for why I can do it later. No more I say! It's time to get myself sorted and actually start doing something with my life instead of simply going through the motions and getting frustrated when nothing  changes for me when actually I’ve done nothing to make those changes happens. The people that are actually being active and following their dreams are probably a lot further ahead than me so now is the time to catch up.

The day i got to go to the Avengers Premiere: A Review

If you read my things I enjoy blog you will know that I went to see the Avengers but actually never gave you a halfway decent story to tell you what happened.  I won the chance to go see the Avengers through an in-house competition at work, which was best training buddy in the area for the quarter. This gave me the chance to walk down the red carpet and see the Avengers before anyone else (talking to one of the film buyers for our company the premiere was the 4th time he had actually watched it). 

To do a decent review of this movie I feel like I should try to critique it in some way, no matter how small or insignificant that critique is, but I may struggle as from start to finish it was one of the best films that has come out this year, and one of the best films that has been adapted from a comic book that I had ever seen. The movie was action packed from start to finish so there was no chance to get bored through the movie as there was always something going on that would grab my attention. I also liked the way that the film wasn't just focused on one main character as they each had their own movie, apart from the Hulk, even though you should count Edward Norton’s Hulk as part of the Avengers franchise. I enjoyed the way the characters connected with each other and bounced off each other to create some great on-screen chemistry between them without trying to pull focus from each other. I never felt as if one of them was trying to steal the show which can often happen when you get a lot of big actors in one film.  I ended up watching the film three times in the cinema, and I laughed in all the same places and jumped in all the same places. I would love to tell you at what point in the film I jumped, because there was only one point, and if you've seen it you can probably guess, and if you haven't seen it, seriously... why not? I don't think you even need to be that into comic books to enjoy the films. This will probably upset my uncle (comic book writer) Dan Abnett, but I've never read any of the Avengers comics, and I only know the backgrounds from the individual films in the series that proceeded this film. I wish I had, though, because then I could maybe comment on how the film keeps to the comics. I can't wait till the second film comes out... and Iron Man 3. 

Things I enjoy

So today I was advised by my aunt who is helping me out with the blog to write about something I like/love. Now I don't know why but I am honestly finding this difficult.  
Make me talk about something that I dislike or I can have a mini rant about to you and I can quite honestly bend your ear for what will feel like hours and believe me I have done it but when it comes down to actually talking about stuff I like to do I sometimes tend to clam up. So let me try and I will promise to try and not make it boring and just rattle off a list of hints and make it sound too much like a cv and I'm applying for a job. 

So what do I enjoy. I enjoy the cinema and I enjoy watching films. I do not enjoy my job at the cinema at all if I'm honest but this is not what this section is about but working at the cinema does have its advantages in the fact I do get to see all the films I want for free. Like on Wednesday I saw rock of ages with a couple of friends and it was a good film and I think the soundtrack is amazing but I think it relied thouroughly too much on the fact it had a lot of great songs in there and the storyline felt tenuous at best and could have used more development. I also had the opportunity to go and see the European premiere of the avengers due to an in house competition at work and it was one of the best things I have ever done trough the company. Basically an all expenses paid trip, a walk down the red carpet, a premiere and drinks before and after. It has since become one of my favourite films as the experience was amazing.

I also like the theatre. When I talk about theatre I am mainly talking about musicals. I don't get a chance to see very many because theatre tickets are expensive and I honestly wish that the theatre was more accessible to all because I would definitely rather see a play/musical over a film. The most recent one I've seen was footloose in Plymouth theatre royal and I'm going to see grease in July, wicked in August and lion king in September. Now I've never seen any of these on stage as yet but my iPod is full of the songs from them.

Which leads me onto another thing that I love is music. I think music is brilliant. It's totally accessible to all and I think there is a song out there that anyone can relate to and it's great that music can be used to tell a story and express almost any feeling. There's nothing like having a good song that totally expresse your mood and can often send a chill down your spine when you hear it and more often then not I pick songs on my iPod by what mood I'm in. I am definitely making my next download the rock of ages movie soundtrack. 

I also enjoy reading as its another outlet I feel is accessible to everyone and there is a genre out there for everyone to enjoy and too all the writers put there I don't think I could do it, I in no way think of this blog as proper writing, but you are all very talented for what you do and I'm glad that you do it. 

So in the end it does turn out that I am able to spend just as much time writing about what I like just as much as what I don't and if nothing else for me that's progress. 

My fear of rejection and of not fitting in

After a drive with my friend today, I ended up pondering a couple of ideas about fitting in, and probably one of the things I am absolutely 100% terrified of, possibly above everything, is the fear of being rejected.

Im lying to you, but that's ok, because your probably lying to me, and it's not that I don't want to get to know you, it's that I'm scared of what will happen when I do.

Me and my friend were talking about the idea that we spend our whole lives fitting in and doing what is expected of us rather then what we wanted to do and what would truly make us happy. I honestly think that I have spent over half my life doing what people expected of me. I studied and stayed quiet at school because thats what I perceived my peers expected of me. I studied and passed my GSCES and A levels because I thought that's what society expected of me, and I feel like I was forced in that direction by a sense of social discourse, but I never put my heart and soul into it. That’s probably the reason why I got a 2:2 at university, because I took a course that  never really appealed, If I'm being 100% honest with everyone including myself. I even applied for a masters and started volunteering in something I didn't want to do, because again I felt like I should rather than that I really wanted to.

Also, my crippling fear of rejection stops me from trying things that I should be doing because my mindset is always that there is possibly someone better suited to it than me, never considering what I might be the better person they are looking for if only I just applied myself. This also refers to my private life. I’m scared of meeting new people, because as soon as I open my mouth I'm afraid they won't like me and are instantly going to reject me. I've even dated people and split up with them because I've always had that fear in my mind that they are going to dump me first so I may as well end it before I get too invested and it hurts worse. So I am trying to change my mindset and focus on myself. It’s going to be really hard as it almost goes against every instinct I've come to know as natural, but while I'm still young it's time for me to start following my dream (when I find it) and making a better life for myself while there is still time.

At 24 am I a career has been?

At 24, am I a career has been? Do you have to know what you want to do from birth? Look at some of the greats; they all tell us that they've known what they wanted to do from such a young age that doing anything else would seem absurd to them. Many of the great musicians have footage of themselves learning musical instruments from a young age and all of the gymnasts you see in the Olympics have been practicing since the age of four. So what happens to the rest of us? The ones who meander through life not really knowing what we want to do, unable to develop a passion for something before we are old enough to walk and talk. Indeed, at 24 I still work for a well-known cinema chain, unsure of the path my life is taking, and I know many of you out there are probably feeling the same way.

I went to university, I have a degree and I'm an educated person with the ability to hold a decent conversation, so why do I feel like all options have expired for me. At 24 I should be at my peak and getting out there, so why aren't I? And why do I feel that because I haven't made it yet doesn't mean that I won't? I'm forever searching for my dream, and I feel everyone else should be, and not trying to fit into a social convention of what people think they should be and how the should act. If you knew me you would realise that this is exactly what I have been doing my whole life. I have been going through the motions without really putting my heart and soul into what I've been doing. So it's time I stopped. With the help of my aunt, I'm going to start a blog. I'm going to put what I feel in without becoming to much like perez Hilton and basically gossiping. Hopefully people will follow me and through this I’ll build up contacts. Also all of this I wrote on my iPhone on the way to the gym, but you have to take inspiration when it hits I guess.